This edition is a shift in what I usually write about. I’m sitting with some things I’ve avoided for a long time. The existential parenting stuff.

Like what kind of a mother am I becoming?

And how do I parent without a blueprint?

I’m currently 80% done writing a memoir about my mom, Julie, who died when I was 7. She struggled with paranoid schizophrenia and my childhood was complicated.

It feels hard to write about her without thinking about what kind of parent I am.

So the small parenting problems are SUPER helpful to distract me from the bigger stuff.

They make me feel in control. Like, OF COURSE, I can solve the problem of goodie bag trash hellscapes.

But, how to solve the existential angst of raising two daughters without a blueprint? Not really solvable in an afternoon.

And I don’t think I’m alone. Many of us are doing this without much real support from the people who raised us.

About half of U.S. adults don’t live close to extended family, and in national surveys, a meaningful share of parents say they have almost no support at all.¹

So with that, protect your peace. If you need Parent Problems that are small and funny, skip this one. I've got one about kid warts coming soon.

But if you’re also struggling balancing the little stuff and the big stuff, this one’s for you.

Before we get started on the big stuff, I thought it would be nice to have a quick laugh.

My friend Jenn, who founded Dearist (which you should def check out), sent me a pic this morning and it still has me lol’ing.

Jenn: This is the gown they gave me for my annual exam.
Me: Wait, is this for top and bottom?
Jenn: Yup. Cutbacks everywhere.

Ok, back to the big stuff.

Before we jump into solutions, let's take a moment to acknowledge how this shows up in our lives. Because we're all out here pretending we know what we're doing.

Why are so many of us parenting without clear blueprints? A few things, probably.

🚚 We moved. Geographic mobility is way up. We moved for college, for jobs, for partners, for cheaper housing, for a fresh start. And now our parents are a plane ride away instead of a babysitting distance away.

💔 Generational trauma is a thing. Many of us are actively choosing NOT to use our parents' playbook. Whether it's because of abuse, neglect, or just outdated parenting styles, we're trying to break cycles. Which is GOOD. But also leaves us without a reference point.

📱 We're parenting for a different world. Our parents didn't have to worry about screen time, social media, or school shootings.Their advice doesn't always translate.

Put it all together and you get a generation of parents who are figuring it out as they go. And it’s a LOT.

Here’s some ideas from real people, grouped by theme. Reading these, I realized maybe the absence of a blueprint doesn't mean we're lost. It means we're choosing deliberately. And maybe that’s the real solution?

Therapy & Coaching:

"I hired a parent coach. Yes, that's a thing. I was looking for someone to help get me out of my head and show me how to slow down enough to notice when I'm parenting from my past instead of my kids' present. Best money I've ever spent."
—Me (hi, it's me. I did this.)

"One of the hardest parts of parenting after trauma is being okay with not parenting perfectly. For a long time, I felt like I was playing emotional whack-a-mole, trying to stop every challenge from repeating something painful. But I had to learn that I'm going to mess up — and that's okay. What matters is the repair."
—Miranda Santisteban, LMFT, family therapist in Edmonds

Books & Podcasts That Became Blueprints:

"Clayton Christensen's How Will You Measure Your Life reads like a blueprint. He even documented family values with his kids! It gave me permission to create my own roadmap."
—Someone smart (okay, this one's from me too)

"I re-read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen every few years. It doesn’t all resonate but it gave me some great scripts to work through when I’m frustrated.”
—Hi, me again!

Building Community From Scratch:

"My parents live overseas, and I thought, How can I do this alone? Then I joined a local parent-cooperative. We swap babysitting, share meals, and vent over wine. It's not the 'village' my grandma had, but it works."
—Parent on Reddit

Doing the Opposite of Their Own Childhood:

"When we lose our temper or react in ways we regret, we can break the cycle by modeling repair. A simple, 'I got really frustrated earlier, and I'm sorry for yelling. That wasn't fair to you. I'm working on staying calm,' teaches children that mistakes don't define relationships."
—Everyday Parenting article

Document Your Values:

"One really practical thing my parent coach recommended? Write your family values WITH your kids. We all contributed values we thought were important, signed our names at the bottom, and hung them on the fridge. We try to celebrate when we see the values in action. This, more than anything, is providing direction for me. Not just an idealistic view of what our family should operate like but a collaborative effort to define what we want our family to be."
—Also me (I'm really leaning into this one)

Here's what ours looks like:

If the idea of writing family values sounds good but overwhelming, here's a simple way to start:

It's not fancy. But it works. And it gives you a reference point when you're not sure what to do.

I don’t think there is any one solution. Or any simple answers.

But what I know is that a lot of us are parenting in the absence of parents and still showing up with care, intention, and love. That counts, even when it doesn't feel like enough.

Maybe the absence of a blueprint doesn't mean we're lost. Maybe it means we're the ones who get to draw the map. And our kids will inherit something we built with intention instead of something we just repeated.

That's not nothing!