🧩 The Problem
The other morning one of my best friends texted me: "Can I ask a huge favor?"
I typed back "Absolutely" before I finished reading it. Turns out she needed help with her son after school. We conveniently live six houses away.
Here's what's wild: Carol used to live ten states away.
In 2024, we uprooted our lives in North Carolina, two kids in tow, and moved 722 miles to buy a house on her block. Most people thought we were insane. We thought we might be too. But we did it anyway and it changed everything.
This is not a story about moving 722 miles. Most people can't and shouldn't. This is a story about why parent friendship is so hard, why it matters so much, and what actually helps.
Because here's the truth: the Village everyone talks about? Mostly non-existent. And here's exactly how that happens.
👩🏻💻 We move away from family and friends for jobs or school (yay!)
👶🏽 We meet our partner and have kids (yay!)
😭 We are suddenly doing the hardest thing we've ever done (boo!)
👯♀️ We look around and realize we have to build our people from scratch (boo!)
The friends from before kids are far away. Or in a different life stage. Or they live nearby but socializing feels almost too luxurious when you're in the feral stage of parenting.
That gap leaves you short exactly when you need people most.
Build new friendships, you might say! Sure. While keeping small humans alive, showing up as a functioning adult, and maybe squeezing in a workout. Nearly impossible.
That is the problem. And it is not just you.
😩 Whine Time
Before we get into solutions, why not just let the parents of social media do some real talk for us. I never feel more seen than when I read random people’s posts on the internet. And if these don’t resonate, then I invite to take a moment to whine out loud.
🔄 Reframe
Now, I like to spend a minute contextualizing or reframing the problem. And the thing that I keep getting stuck on is this: not every friend needs to be your person. Some just need to be your people right now. And maybe that takes some pressure off. Here's what that might actually look like:
👨👩👧 The parent-of-your-kid's-friend friend. Bound by carpools and birthday parties. Perfectly legitimate. Don't underestimate it.
📱 The one you've never actually hung out with alone. You text, you like each other's posts, you always say we should get together. Somehow it still counts. Don't overthink it.
🥂 The ones where you like both parents. The couples hang works. You leave feeling like a human. Rare. Protect them.
🫀 The soul-deep ones. The Carols. The ones you'd say "absolutely" to without knowing the favor. These take time, proximity, luck, and someone going first.
💪 The ones who show up in a crisis. You might not talk every week but when something breaks (a diagnosis, a divorce, a bad night) they're there. That's its own category and it matters.
✨ All combined. Your kids are close, you like both parents, they're your first call for anything. This almost never happens. But when it does? You move down the block from them.
When they're little, cast a wide net. You need people going through it with you right now. As they get older you can prune. The friendships that survive the kids growing up and potentially apart are the keepers.
But before we close out the reframe, I want to reinforce how hard this can be. A reader, Amanda, sent in this note.
I think it really depends on what you learned growing up. My parents didn't have a ton of friends or really do anything with people who weren't next door neighbors or family. How do you really learn how to show real support for other parent friends while juggling everything?
A mom of one of my son's friends said it's weird that one of their close neighbors sends their kid over to play all the time, but they haven't invited them over for dinner before. I don't have people over for dinner because my house is a zoo with kids and dogs. I felt self-conscious because I send my kid over to play all the time too and never really do adult parent friend activities. I don't know how!
🧠 SOLUTIONS
Back to Carol. When my husband was offered a job in Massachusetts, we didn’t plan to take it. But, Carol sent us a house that was for sale on her block. Her block that was full of kids our kids’ ages. And behind the local elementary school. So we took a huge chance and said yes. And it’s changed everything for us.
The piece of advice my husband has emphasized the most, and I need to give him massive credit, is to just say yes. Here are a few more tips I’ve been given by friends that I love.
📅 Make a specific ask. Not "we should hang out" but "do you want to walk Saturday at 8am?" Vague plans go nowhere. Specific plans make friends.
🚶 Lower the bar for what counts. The parking lot conversation while waiting in car line. The quick neighbor chat on the walk to school. The sideline convo at your kids’ game. These are really important moments.
💬 Real talk. Sometimes the best move is the vulnerable one. "I'm still figuring out my people here and it's harder than I expected" might go further than you think.
🏘️ Accept the gift of proximity. You don't always have to engineer it. Sometimes the right person is the one on your block.
✅ Say yes. Say yes to dinner even when you're exhausted. Say yes when they offer help. Say yes when they ask for it. I’m convinced many friendships are defined by the number of times you say yes. (but don’t be a doormat obvi).
I was feeling really good about these suggestions, and then I stumbled on something special. This May, there is an org called The Mothership Collective that is hosting hundreds of live events across the USA to foster community for parents. Please please please go check out if there is one near you. It’s not too late!
I hate that there isn’t a corresponding Fathership Collective. Because guys, we know you need this too.
And if none of that resonated, the comments section of this post was really beautiful. Not a ton of solutions, but a lot of people feeling how real this struggle is.
📚 MORE RESOURCES
Peanut — "Tinder for mom friends." Match with parents nearby. Works especially well if you're new to a place or stage.
Bumble BFF — Bumble but with friend-finding mode. People genuinely meet people this way.
Meetup — still exists, might be useful?
The 2023 Surgeon General's Advisory on Loneliness — worth a read if you want to feel less crazy about how hard this is.
Platonic by Marisa Franco — actual research on adult friendship formation.
Parent Problems Resource Hub — this is a bunch of links I’ve aggregated from past Parent Problems.
That’s it for this week.
Know someone who needs this? Forward it to their inbox. Or better yet, send it to someone you want to be friends with. There are worse ways to shoot your shot. 💌
And if you want more of this in your feed, come find me on Instagram: @tinyearthlife
Next week we’re going to tackle How do we stay present as parents when we’re so attached to our devices? (And not seem like total hypocrites to our kids?)
If you have feedback or just want to email, reply to this email!
With you,
Rachael