👀 THE PROBLEM
I need to start this one with an admission. I’m the problem 🙋🏻♀️. My youngest turned 6 this weekend and I threw a Hawaiian-themed luau at the beach for like 16 kids.
This only shows a small amount of the over-doing it
🏝️Each child got a grass skirt, a water gun, and a lei (all plastic) and I bought a ton of luau decor. And I am the person who started a wooden toy rental (shoutout Tiny Earth Toys).
The hypocrisy is not lost on me.
My most memorable birthday was my 7th. My mom hosted a backyard scavenger hunt with dollar store trinkets.
Costco sheet cake and pepperoni pizza were enough in 1991. So, what happened?
😤 WHINE TIME
Before we jump into solutions, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the collective rage birthday parties inspire. Specifically rage for… goodie bags.
These gems are pulled straight from the comments section of a recent LinkedIn post which had 400+ comments (which is honestly a masterclass in parental solidarity):
“Goodie bags at birthday parties are the worst!”
—Dan M. (100% agree, my friend.)
“Why in the world is my 4-year-old getting invited to 20 birthday parties?! That’s 20 gifts to buy, 20 parties to attend, and 20 bags of junk to bring home. This is wild.”
—Keisha N. (20/52 weekends is not what parents need!)
“Here for the goody bag rage. Can’t we all just stop doing this? Also, no thank you, glitter. If I ever get a goody bag with glitter? I’m throwing it directly into a fire.”
—Mary K. (And that fire will burn with righteous rage 🔥)
“I’d rather die than build goodie bags for my kid’s party. Hard pass from me.”
—Candace L. (Same, girl.)
“Showing up to my kid’s party with a plastic toy after I clearly wrote ‘NO GIFTS PLEASE’ on the invite? If you must bring something, make it a bottle of wine.”
—Katie H. (You are a queen 👑)
“Balloons can eat it.”
—Nick C.
“Goodie bags at birthday parties are like low-budget conference swag: one you throw away immediately, the other you have to sneak out of the house piece by piece without your kid noticing.”
—Jared A. (lol, this killed me)
So yeah... turns out parents hate goodie bags.
(Or is it goody bags? Either way, let’s all say it together, “NO MORE GOODIE BAGS”.)
🧠 REFRAME: WHAT’S BEHIND THE CHANGE?
With that out of our system, let’s reframe. Why have our expectations of birthdays grown so much in the last 20-30 years? A few things, probably.
💻 I maintain the internet ruined everything. We’re flooded with images of *perfection* that make it seem like the norm to have a cake from the Great British Bake Off.
More evidence that I’m the problem. My first born’s 1st cake that was a fortune and she hated.
💝 The honest desire we have for our kids to feel special and have magical memories. This gets tricky when we feel stretched thin and want to make up for it with a perfect day.
🙇🏻♀️ Put the first two together and we get this insane social pressure. And while we all say we don’t care, we also feel like our parties are stacked against the most elaborate.
So now we have a new default: events that were once about simple celebration now come with balloon arches and plastic-filled goodie bags.
But it doesn’t have to stay this way. Said as I try to convince myself that next year I can do better.
💡 CROWD-SOURCED SOLUTIONS
The real solution? It might be a big dose of The Let Them Theory. Or better yet, reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and putting it into practice. Because so much of this is about external pressure, not what our child is actually experiencing.
So here are some of my favorite solutions from real people grouped by age range that still provide a special/memorable experience but without all the extra. But first, all the ideas of how to stop the goodie bag madness.
Goodie Bags:
🛍️ #BanTheBag – Just don’t do it. And if you get one, follow Kayla R.’s advice, “I give all parents permission to throw the goodie bag away the moment you get home. Nobody’s gonna know…”
🛠️ Goodie but Make it Useful – “Instead of goody bags at our last two birthday parties, we gave the kids bubble shooters and a box of the bright sidewalk chalk. Much better than a bunch of small trinkets that just clutter everything up, IMO.” - Melanie E.
🍪 Just Bake It – “I once accidentally stumbled on a goodybag hack that worked for us, courtesy of my then 8 year old son: ‘Everyone LOVES your giant choc chip cookies mum. Why don’t we do those this year?’ - done. Bake once for the party, wrap up the leftover cookies as ‘goodybag’- no plastic crap floating around and you should have seen the kids whoop when they got em.” - Mel S.
🧶Handmade – “For goody bag one year, my son and I made a word finder puzzle, printed copies on colored pages and that was the goody bag. Solve a word finder...it was all about extinct animals cos that's what he was into in those days.” - Shalini M.
Toddler/Preschool:
🧸 Toddler Toy Swap – My friend Jen Nordhem is a badass inspiration. She combines toy rotations with gift giving and is modeling a really cool set of values. And she even wrote a guide for families who want to adopt the practice.
🛝 Park & Bagels – One of my favorite low-key moms, Laura, said morning party at local park with bagels and coffee = cheap/simple. And the kids have a free park. Throw in a piñata if you’re feeling wild.
🌾 An Open Field – My bestie Angela shared that for her 3 year old this year she hosted a Friday afternoon bday in the open field by her daughter’s school. As they trickled out of school, they joined in the field with picnic blankets, pizza and seltzers. The kids just free played.
Grade School:
👯 Three Favorite Friends – Not everyone needs an invite. And it is more than ok to limit the party to a few close friends. Here’s advice from Rachel in NC, “make it a sleep-under and have all the kids wear PJs and it instantly seems special.” And if you’re concerned about safety, I found this article by Mother.ly to be very actionable.
🎨 Be the Teacher – Ever notice how kids love doing chores with you? The same goes for skills we take for granted. Know how to bake a cake? Host a baking party. Handy with wood and nails? Let them build something. Let that be enough. This article has age-appropriate cooking guides.
🚃 Take a Day Trip – Go away on an experience! Maybe with a friend?
Here is my favorite answer from a poll on our Tiny Earth stories
In sum, maybe the solution is to just try to do it a little less. My friend Nicole said,
“They just want to play. Last year when I did the absolute most, the kids trickled out of the party onto a nearby playground and I was like…. of course they did.”
One more time, they just want to play.
Try to lessen the pressure on yourself. Your child’s memories will be shaped by how they feel, not the theme. And also, please check back in approximately 345 days and tell me to take my own advice. I need the accountability…
And if you’re curious what research has to say, here is what Gemini Deep Research synthesized (in a pretty infographic) about the meaning of birthdays for kids. It includes an idea generator that I found shockingly awesome.
📊 VOTE FOR NEXT WEEK’S PARENTING PROBLEM
What should we dig into next?
Why does packing school lunch feel like a full-time job?
(And why do they come home uneaten always?)
Why is it so hard to make (and keep) parent friends?
(We’re all desperate for connection but texting is the actual worst.)
Why is every kids’ product made of plastic?
(The toys. The party favors. The snacks wrapped in more plastic. Even the “eco” stuff shows up shrink-wrapped.)
Why does managing activities feel like a second career?
(And when exactly did 8-year-olds need a personal calendar app?)
Got an idea to simplify birthdays? Shoot me a reply and I will add your idea to the web version of this article!